Out of the Ashes….

The other day I was praying and pouring out my heart to the Lord.  I was sad and overwhelmed with all that is going on around me and in the world.  Slowly, quietly and in a simple small voice, I heard the Holy Spirit remind me of a snippet of a verse from Isaiah …” I will give you beauty for ashes” My spirit sat up and paid attention.

I stopped and listened and waited.  I didn’t want to miss what the Lord was whispering to my heart.  I got out my Bible and began to look for the verse I had memorized so many years ago….

And then my heart remembered.  Remembered all the times that the Lord had been faithful in the past.  When I was certain that I was surrounded by ashes and everything had burned up…..here came beauty.  Maybe not the beauty I had wanted or prayed for but in the end it was the Lord’s beauty.  Let me share with you one story…

It was the summer of 1995 and I was standing in our bathroom with a total look of shock on my face.  I didn’t know how to feel. Of course I was excited, thrilled, amazed, happy but the timing seemed off.  I was staring at the stick that was telling me that we were pregnant.  I was happy because this was what I had longed for, prayed for, hoped for and desired more than anything.  I was shocked and scared and uneasy because we had been trying for a long long time and my mind could not wrap around the truth that I was, at last pregnant.  After all the prayers, tears, urgency and watching the years pass by, it had finally come to pass….we were going to have a baby.  So why was I feeling scared and uneasy? Because the timing was so confusing. I was in the midst of deep confusing grief of death.  It was June 1995 and I was a mess.  After some really tough years, Pat and I had moved to Charlotte and we were trying to rebuild our relationship from a trying time. (another story for another time)  We had been trying to get pregnant for years (also a long story for another time) and here I stood, staring at a stick telling me the news of our positive pregnancy test. I was thrilled, and so excited but, this reality came with a lot of mixed emotions because it came at a time of some excruciating heartache and loss.  Let me back up just a little bit…

Over the last few month, Pat had been driving back and forth to Greensboro to fight for the life (literally) of his best and closest friend David.  Pat met David after college and they became close friend.  David was in our wedding and also sang to, and over, us during the ceremony.  He was as close as a brother and a confidant to the soul of my husband.  David developed a brain tumor and was suffering. This was heartbreaking and unfathomable for Pat who had been driving back and forth to Greensboro to pray for healing, sit with, visit, and care for David along with a tribe of godly folks who formed a community of believers coming along side their friend and brother.  Slowly David began to lose his fight and it seemed like the Lord was calling him home.  We were heartbroken and confused and frustrated.

When we knew the time was near, Pat took time off of work to be available, and near, David. During these few days, Pat stayed in Greensboro. We were overcome with grief. While he was gone, I received a call from his boss.  She gently and graciously told me the awful news that Pat was losing his job.  This was at the beginning of the dot.com era and layoffs were happening everywhere.  Pat’s boss asked me for advice about what to do.  She needed to communicate to Pat that he was losing his job (devastating) but she knew he was in Greensboro sitting in mourning as he watched his best friend graciously and wisely and humbly move toward death.  As I spoke with Pat’s boss, I was in shock, stunned, scared, angry, confused and at a loss as to what to do. Here we were in the throws of grief and sadness (and confusion) over the death of David and now we received the awful news about Pat’s job at a time when it seemed like the whole world was losing their jobs. I could not stop shaking and pacing around the house muttering to myself – “What are we going to do?”.

I didn’t know it at the time, but as I sat in the amazing Memorial Service for David , I was already pregnant.  As we  listen to literally hundreds of people speak of David and his impact on their life, Pat and I wept.  We were overcome with such sadness.  Pat had come to believe in Jesus in his early 20’s and David had been a godly example, a loyal friend, a wise counselor and a brother in Christ to him.  This had been life giving and anchoring for his soul.  The sadness of losing David was a huge loss.

So here I was, two days later, standing in my bathroom, staring at the stick that told me we were pregnant.  This was not exactly what I had dreamed about or longed for….hearing this news at the same time as experiencing the death of a treasured friend and the loss of a job and income.  Pat and I embraced and cried and stood there stunned, excited, scared, and totally at a loss for how to react or feel. And so, as I usually do when I am confused scared and a bit on edge, I dug into scripture and poured my heart out to God. It felt like grief upon grief – ashes upon ashes.

But…out of those ashes, came birth and life.  9 months later our precious and amazing Brandon was born. (His middle name is named after David). Out of the darkest, scariest time was birthed new life, joy and answer to prayer.  Maybe our answers did not seem exactly like we had hoped and prayed and dreamed of, but new life and new birth was created. Beauty from ashes…..

Today, as I sit here in my backyard typing this, I look around me at the gorgeous blue sky and I listen to the birds chirping. Certainly the world around us if full of death and crisis and germs and viruses and uncertainty. But over and over again the Lord leads my mind back to that moment, 24 years ago, when in the midst of sadness and loss, new life was birthed.  I wonder, when we look back on this time in our lives (and we will ALL have a story to tell) what will we understand as new birth and new life? I wonder, what is God doing in my heart and soul right now as I experience loneliness, isolation, fear, frustration and heartache that someday I will see as “new life and new birth”.

Don’t miss it my friends…Don’t miss what God is doing in your heart and soul in the midst of the confusion, loss and uncertainty.  Beauty from Ashes…… HIS Beauty…

Press On, Run the Race….